


Wormtail's Journey

by potterhead_fic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Friendship, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26260159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potterhead_fic/pseuds/potterhead_fic
Summary: This is a fiction written by me. These events happen in the Marauders Era, in the years 1979, 1980, and 1981. And it's kind of the path that lead Peter Pettigrew to betrayal. All the characters belong to JK. Rowling. And some events are changed to fit the story. Hope you like it.
Relationships: James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon/Peter Pettigrew, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**July 31st 1980**

Peter was running. Running like a maniac. He was late. He stepped into the building of the Hospital Wing. He ran among witches, wizards, healers. Then he got into the waiting room where Marlene and Dorcas were seated, chatting and drinking tea. Before he could say hello, Marly spoke.

"There waiting for you" she said pointing to a room. 

Peter smiled to her. He stopped running and his pulse was high. He came into the room.

"Sorry long day at work"

The first one he saw was Lily sitting in bed. She looked tired but really happy. Next to her were Moony and Padfoot. They were talking and laughing at something. And on the other side was Prongs, with his new born in arms. He was smiling but Peter could tell he had been crying. 

"Hey Wormy" said Sirius "we were wondering where you were?" 

But Peter ignored him looking to Prongs. "You just had baby" he said "Bloody hell! Prongs you are a father. And Lily, your a mother... Blo...bloody hell!" Peter couldn't believe it still. The young couple smiled at him. "Congratulations"

"Thanks Wormy" James said coming towards him "Meet Harry" 

Peter looked at the baby. He was so tiny. His eyes were closed. 

"And you missed it for being late, I'm Harry's godfather, by the way" said Sirius with a smile on his face. 

"Do you have to brag about it all the time?" said Remus smirking.

"Don't be jelaous Moons" Sirius said kissing his boyfriend on the cheek. Remus rolled his eyes.

Peter was smiling. He was really happy. 

"Do you want to hold him?" asked James 

"Oh no!" he responded. He was afraid of dropping the baby or something. "No, no"

"C'mon Wormy" 

"No Prongs" but James was already placing Harry into Peter's arms. 

He was not heavy. And the feeling was incredible. But Peter stood static. 

"Aaww, Prongs he looks like you" he said. He had a knot on his throat for some reason.

"No! my baby is better looking" Lily said with a sleepy voice.

They all laughed at that.

"I love you too baby" James said smiling. He leaned and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

Peter contemplated the baby on his arms. He couldn't take it anymore and tears ran down his face. 

"Hi, Harry" he said "It's your uncle Wormy" and with tears on his eyes, Peter kissed the baby.

**November 1980**

Marlene Mackinnon was a beautiful girl. Blond, long hair, green eyes. And that smile that could make you instantly feel better. That's all that Peter saw in her picture. But she was gone. Watching at her picture laughing at something, really hurt. Peter was sitting up front. He only stared at her picture. Not her body. He wasn't ready to see her like that.

"She was beautiful, wasn't she?" 

A boy sat next to Peter. The one that he recognized as Marly's brother. Adam. He was four years younger but they got along pretty well. 

Peter smiled at him. "Yeah, she was"

"It's not fair" Adam said. He was really angry "I'm gonna revenge her death. Those bloody deatheaters are gonna pay. I promise" he clenched his teeth. Peter looked at him. He was too young to be this angry.

"Adam!" Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon were on the other side of the room. Adam's mother was calling him. He smiled at Peter and went to his family. 

Peter had tears on his eyes again. He looked across the room and he spotted Dorcas. She was holding onto the table. She must've been having the worst time. Marly was her best friend. 

Peter stood up and went next her. 

"Dorki" he said putting a hand on her shoulder. She raised her head. She looked miserable. 

"The last time I saw her...I...I kissed her" she said looking at Peter carefully "I never told her how I felt though" she sniffed "She said we should talk about it. And now I'll never know how she felt" 

"You know she loved you, right?"

"No she loved you, Peter. You were her best friend"

"She loved us both" 

Dorcas smiled and hugged Peter. She started crying on his shoulder. "I'm sorry" she said. Peter didn't know what she was apologizing for but he said "It's okay"

They all went back to the Potters. Nobody was ready to be alone. They sat in the living room. Lily said she was gonna take Harry upstairs. She had been crying a lot, she must've been tired. They all sat in silence. Sirius was drinking again. He always did. Suddenly Peter didn't feel well. He stood up and went to the kitchen. He had no oxygen in his lungs and he was having a hard time breathing. His chest was hurting so badly. 

"Peter..." he heared Monny's voice "Are you okay?"

Peter started breathing fast leaning against the counter.

"Leave me alone" he said.

It was so painful. He'd been holding it together but now all was sinking in. He will never see Marly again. She was gone, she was death. Peter could see Sirius and James entering as well.

"It hurts so badly" he said crying again.

"We know Pete" said James carefully.

Remus tried to approach him but Peter moved away. He needed oxygen for Merlin's's sake. 

"No, no" said Peter "you didn't know her" he covered his face with his hands "you didn't know her like I did" 

"Pete" Remus put his hand on Peter's shoulder.

"No!" he pushed Remus away "Don't touch me. You don't care" he said looking at the three of them "None of you care" 

His three friends looked at him with concern.

"It's always been Moony's problem, or James' crush on Lily, or your stupid parents, Sirius. But nothing is about me! She was the only one who cared about me" Peter didn't know were this all was coming from but he was in a rage. He couldn't stop talking "You don't give a shit about me"

"Shut up Pettigrew, you know that's not fair" Sirius said angrily. Sirius was always angry, but it was Peter's turn.

"YOU'RE NOT FAIR SIRIUS!" Peter yelled "When she had a crush on you, you treated her like shit!"

"I'm bloody gay Peter" said Sirius. He was looking for his wand. That was the way Sirius managed things.

"Sirius" whispered Remus. He always calmed him down. 

"I DON'T BLOODY CARE" shouted Peter

"YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING CHILD" responded Sirius.

"Honestly lads stop it" James was stoping Sirius from hurting Peter.

"I'm so sick you Sirius" Peter said "Of all of you" 

Sirius was furious. James was in shock and Remus had a sad expression. 

"Leave me alone" said Peter leaving the kitchen.

"Peter" Remus was going after him but James stopped him. "Let him go" 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We get to know a little bit better about Marlene & Peter's relationship. Peter is hurting and takes a really bad decision.

August 1978

It was a calmed afternoon at The Leaky Cauldron. Peter loved when that happened because he didn't have to work that much. He was currently cleaning some cauldrons while watching her. Marly was cleaning the counter singing some rock tune. Peter knew she loved them. He couldn't avoid smiling. 

A lad came in. He was in his forties. Peter had seen him before.   
"Hello sir" said Marly without looking at him.  
The lad looked at her amused. When Marly turned around she sighted. "Oh it's you"   
The man smiled.   
"What can I get you?" she asked.  
"I date with you?" he answered.  
"Perhaps maybe a butterbeer?" She said as she accioed the bottle.   
"C'mon don't be so hard to get"   
Peter really wanted to punch that bloke.  
"Not interested" Marly said  
"I'll make it interesting" he said leaning in.  
"I have a boyfriend" she said.  
"What?"  
"Didn't I tell you?" she said "I have new boyfriend"  
"Oh yeah? Where is the so called boyfriend then?"  
"Right there" she said pointing at Peter.  
"Oh really?"   
Peter reacted and approached them pretending he didn't hear anything.  
"Hey mate" he tried to sound confident "Are you bothering my girlfriend... Wanker?. Is this man bothering you Marls?"  
She tried to hide her smile. And the lad ignored him.  
"C'mon Babe, you can do better than this"  
"What did you say... bloody asshole?" asked Peter. He was acting like James would've acted. Peter hoped he didn't sound as stupid as he felt.  
"Peter is incredible you bloody wanker" Marly said. "He is the best boyfriend ever. And... And... He has a great cock"   
Peter looked at her and he went very red.   
"Mmm... Yeah, yeah my cock is.. is great" he said.  
The bloke looked at them very puzzled.  
"And you better go away" Peter said taking his wand out "Before I hex your...your pervert ass" Marlene nodded.  
The man looked at Peter with a rage but he stood up. He turned to leave. And without him looking at them, Peter showed him his middle finger and Marly made disgusting faces.   
Before crossing the door, the lad turned around one last time. Peter and Marly stopped making faces. Peter smiled to him and pulled Marly closer. She was his girlfriend after all, right? 

When the bloke left, the pair of them brusted into laughter. They laughted so hard. Peter's tummy was hurting and his eyes were watery. They hided behind the counter sitting on the floor.   
"A great cock yeah?" Peter said raising an eyebrow.  
Marlene laughted "Sorry, I didn't know what else to say"   
"Well, what are you talking about? I do have a great cock" Marlene laughted more. "I take your word for it"  
Peter smiled "Thank you for saving me Pete. I just couldn't stand him. You are a really a good friend" Marly said.  
"Well that's what friends are for, right?" he answered "Pretending to be your fake boyfriends"  
"Precisely" said Marly smiling.  
She put her head on Peter's shoulder. That felt nice. And she smelled really good.   
"Pete.."  
"Mmm?"  
"Are you joining the Order of Phoenix?"   
"Yeah I guess. I have to"  
"But you want to?"   
"James, Sirius and Remus are joining, so..."  
Marlene looked at Peter.  
"You don't have to do everything that your friends do, you know that, don't you?"  
"I guess this is something we have to do"   
Marlene swallowed "Can I tell you a secret?"   
Peter nodded.  
"I'm fucking scared" Peter smiled "Really?" Marly nodded "Good because I'm bloody scared as well" It was true. He had never told anyone that. Nobody else seemed scared.   
"Ha... Do we suck as Gryffindors?" Marly asked   
"I guess we do" said Peter smiling "Perhaps we should run away to Australia or something"  
"Yeah" Marly said "And change our names to Mr. and Mrs. Griffin"  
"Yeah and I'll grow on a mustache"  
"And I'll dye my hair"  
"Great"  
Marlene laughted and summoned two bottles of butterbeer and offered one to Peter. She raised her bottle. "For Mr. and Mrs. Griffin"  
"For Mr. and Mrs. Griffin"  
Peter had a gulp of butterbeer. And he smiled. He loved having a friend like Marly. She made him feel better with himself.   
"Oi" Tom the owner of The Leaky Cauldron was standing there "I don't pay you to laze around. Blimey! To work now"  
Peter and Marlene looked at each other smiling.

November 1980

Peter had his sixth glasses of Firewiskey. He was drunk but he wanted to be even more drunk. He wanted to stop feeling. To stop hurting. Tom his old boss pured him another glass. He sighted.   
"You shouldn't drink this much Peter"   
"What are ya, my father?" He was definetly drunk.  
"Whatever, it's your choice"  
"Leave the bottle" said Peter. Tom left the bottle and left.   
Suddenly Peter heard a laughter. It was an annoying laughter. He looked around to see a blond bloke. He was with a same blond woman and two black haired older people. A bloke and a bird.   
"You wouldn't believe what happened the other day. I was with the Minister...."  
Peter recognized him as Lucius Malfoy. He was head boy of Slytherin on Peter's first year. And he knew him well. Sirius had told them what kind of man Malfoy was. He was dating or married to his cousin. Peter remembered he used to think Narcissa was beautiful. And Sirius told them that he was a deatheater. Peter felt rage. It was those deatheaters who killed Marly.  
He swallowed the rest of his Firewiskey and went to the table were Lucius was.   
"Hey" he said. He wouldn't have done this without alcohol in his system. But there he was. Malfoy didn't listen.   
"Hey Malfoy" he said a little louder.  
Everyone on the table looked at him.  
"You killed her, didn't you?" Peter was so angry "You killed her! Fucking asshole! You and your little boss"  
The woman with black hair spoke "Lucius who is this?"   
"I have no idea"   
"Aren't you Sirius friend?" Narcissa asked.   
"Is he?" the other bloke asked  
"Yes he used to be around him all the time. I remember" answered Narcissa  
Lucius looked at him recognizing something. But Peter ignored them.  
"You are a deatheater, aren't ya?" he said to Malfoy "You work for Voldemort" people gasped when they heard that name "You kill people" Peter grabbed Malfoy from his robes "You fucking killed her"  
"Lucius what is he taking about?" the woman asked.  
"Nothing to worry about Druella" he said pushing Peter away "He is obviously dellusional. And drunk" he looked at Peter "C'mon mate. I'll take you outside" he said while smiling.   
"Lucius..."  
"It's okay Cissy" 

Luicus dragged Peter outside.  
"Are you insane? The Blacks don't know I'm working for him yet. And how dare you speak his name, you filthy..."  
"I DON'T BLOODY CARE" Peter yelled "You fucking killed her. You killed Marlene"  
"I don't bloody know who Marlene was!" Lucius looked at Peter with disgust "Was that your girlfriend?"   
Peter didn't answer. He leaned to the wall. He was very dizzy by now.   
"If you are Sirius friend, you must be in the Order" Lucius said "That stupid organization built by the lunatic of Dumbledore?"   
Peter didn't answer.  
"Listen to me, whatever your name is" Lucius said "The Dark Lord is really powerful. People are gonna keep and keep dying. Your girlfriend was the first from many. Unless, you are on his side"  
Peter looked at him.  
Lucius continued "Perhaps you can tell me what your secret group is doing. And I can't keep you and your loved ones safe. What do you say?"   
"Fuck off" said Peter.  
"I have good conections at the Ministry. I'm safe. No deatheater can touch me or my family. Or my son"   
Lucius fixed his robes "I'll think about if I were you. The Dark Lord will be the most powerful wizard of all times. The ones against him are going to die one by one. I could protect you and your little friends" Malfoy leaned closer "Here's my contact if you change your mind" he gave Peter a piece of parchment.   
But all that Peter did was vomit all the alcohol he had on his system.  
"Bloody hell!" Lucius shouted "Those were my best shoes, you fucking beast! Arrrggg! You are disgusting"  
And Lucius went back inside, leaving drunk Peter very confused.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finally takes the worst decision of his life. Here's why.

February 1979  
"Oi! You had enough! Give it to me!" Marlene took the icecream off Peter.  
"Rude bitch" he said smiling. Marlene put out her tongue.   
Peter was walking Marlene to her house. She was sad, so he bought her an icecream.   
"This was officially the worst Valentine's ever" she said.  
"Well thank you very much Marlene" Peter said.  
"I ment before" said Marly laughing "You definetly made it better"   
Peter smiled.  
"Well you shouldn't date wankers" he said.  
"Aaargg! I know!" Marly said giving the icecream back to Peter. "I don't know why I'm bloody attracted to assholes" she sighted "I need someone good"   
"Birds are definetly insane! Bunkers. Out of their minds" he said.  
Marly rolled her eyes and punched the icecream to the floor. Peter opened his mouth.   
"Marlene! Not the icecream" Marlene laughted "How dare you?"   
"You deserved it!" she said  
"You're gonna pay" Peter said   
"Oh really?"   
"Yeah" Peter tried to reach her so he can tickle her. But Marlene tried to avoid him laughing. Peter finally reached her and she screamed laughing. "Wait, wait" she said. But Peter started tickling her.  
"Hello.." they heard another voice. It was Dorcas, standing at Marlene's door.   
"Dorki"Marlene said "What are you doing here?"   
"Hi Dorcas" said Peter smiling.  
But Dorcas looked angry.   
"I heard you slapped Danny on the face" she said "I came to see if you were okay?"   
"Danny is a wanker" Marly said. Danny was the lad Marly was dating.  
"Alright" said Dorcas. She was kind of pissed off. But that's the way Dorcas usually was.   
"Let's get in" said Marly stepping to her door.   
"I...I'll better go" Peter said "I have a mission with the lads"   
"Great, bye" Dorcas was being really rude.  
"Be careful Pete" Marly said giving him a kiss on the cheek.   
The girls went inside and Peter smiled to himself.

January 1981  
Peter apparated back to the Order's Quarters. He was exhausted. Moony was with him. He had a bruse on his shoulder.  
"Are you okay Moony?" Peter asked. Remus had tears on his eyes. Perhaps he was worried he would get a scar. He didn't need any more scars. Remus said no, but Peter could tell he was pale and his wound was hurting.   
Before Peter could say anything, Moody appeared at the door.   
"What the bloody hell happened?" he asked.  
"The deatheaters appeared out of nowhere" Remus responded "We got out of there as fast as we could"   
"And where are..." but before Moody could say something three figures apparated. It was James and Frank. They had Edgar on their arms, he was hardly wounded.   
"Aaaarggg" he was screaming.  
Sirius apparated as well. He instantly went towards Remus. "Are you okay?" But Remus pushed him "I'm fine" he said glaring at Edgar who seemed even worse.  
"Let's put him on the table" said James. Frank nodded and they did as he said.   
"It's okay Eddy" Frank said. He seemed worried.  
"Arrg Bloody hell!" Moody said approaching them. "Let me see"  
"No, way Moody I'm fine" said Edgar. But Moody was already ripping his shirt off. "You would've asked me for coffee first, hey Moody?" said Edgar smiling. He didn't answer. He was already muttering some spell. And Edgar shouted in pain. Peter could see Edgar's chest. It didn't look well. There was blood everywhere. Edgar continued screaming. And Frank and James were holding him. Peter closed his eyes. He hated when this happened.   
"The deatheaters used a really dark curse" Sirius muttered to Remus and Peter "If it got to the other side of his chest, he would've died"   
Peter found himself with a pain on his chest and he wasn't breathing properly anymore. Everytime someone got hurt, or death. Peter didn't know how they were still alive. Maybe he would be next. Maybe James, Sirius, Remus, Lily or Dorcas could be next. He couldn't afford to loose someone else. Loosing Marly was too painful.

Later that night, Peter apparated to his house. He felt so tired and he wanted to cry. But he had been holding in all that time. He had a knot on his chest.   
"Peter?" his mom called him from the kitchen.   
"Here mom" he said. His voice sounded more broken than he intended.   
Peter went to the kitchen. His mother had been baking. A lot. She used to do that when she was stressed.   
"Want some pie? Sweety?" she said smiling.  
"No thanks mom"   
"Ooh Peter" she sat down "I've been talking my friend Pearl. This bloody war! One of her nieces died. Just went to buy something at Diagon Alley and they got her! She was only nineteen! Such a shame"  
Peter didn't answer he just sat down.   
"Peter baby" she said holding his hands "Tell me you are being careful. Those bloody assholes don't care anymore about blood. They kill everything they encounter. And you know your father is muggle..."   
Peter haven't told his mom he was with the Order. He didn't tell her all the dangerous missions he had been in. Peter didn't want to worry her. And yes his dad was muggle but he abandonded Peter when he was a baby.   
"It's okay mom. I'm being careful" he said squeezing her hand.   
Peter's mom stared crying. "I'm so scared for you Peter" she said "For us. They could come any minute"  
Peter had tears on his eyes. He hugged his mom. She was all he had. She was his whole family.  
"I don't know where you are all day. You work a lot and you always come exhausted".  
"Don't worry mom" he said "I promise nothing is going to happen to us. You are gonna be safe. We'll we out of this" he promised.

Peter went to his room after a while. He sat down on his bed. He was literaly tired, phyisically and emotionaly. He was so bloody fed up of this war. And then he took a decision.   
He took a quill and a piece of parchment and he wrote down.

'Dear Mr. Malfoy,  
I'm in.

Sincerely,  
The lad who vomited on your shoes. Sorry for that. You can call me Wormtail'.

He tied the note to Maximus, the family owl. And Peter sent it away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter feels guilty. How long can he cope with being the spy?

April 1979

Marlene was sleeping. She looked too peaceful. They were at Marlene's flat. Peter spent a lot there. Peter was drawing her. Back at Hogwarts he used to sketch a lot during classes. He loved drawing. It gave him peace. He wasn't particularly good but he had tons of sketchbooks lying around. He was finishing drawing her hair, when Marly woke up.   
"Wait, don't move" he said   
"Why?" she asked with a sleepy voice.  
"I'm drawing you?" Peter answered.   
But Marly was fully awake now "I didn't know you could draw!" she said surprised "Let me see"   
Peter gave her the parchment.   
"Bloody hell! I'm not that pretty!"   
"Stop it, you are beautiful"   
Marlene smiled "You are really good at this" she said giving the parchment back "Do you have more?"   
"Yes somewhere around my house"  
"You have to show me"  
"No way" he said smiling  
"Why? you are very talented. You made me look beautiful" she said. Peter gave her a 'believe that you're beautiful' look.  
"I don't know" he said  
"You have a talent. You prefer being plain Peter? The one everyone teases around?"  
Peter raised his shoulders.  
"C'mon. Everyone has their talent. James is good at Quidditch, Remus is good at classes and memorizing things and Sirius is good at..."  
"Flirting" Peter finished "Hello, baby" he said imitating Sirius voice and rubbing his hair "I'm Sirius Black"  
Marlene laughted   
"Named after a Star" Peter continued.  
"The star was named after me" Marlene also imitated Sirius voice "And I'm a Legend"   
"And I'm better than everyone else" Peter finished. Marly laughted. "Babe.." they both finished laughing.  
"I can't believe I used to have a crush on him" Marly said.  
"Sirius has his apealing"   
Marlene gave him a meaningful look  
"That sounded gay, didn't it?'  
She laughted "Anyhow, Drawing could be your thing" Marly said and Peter smiled "Holy shit what time is it?" said Marly looking at Peter's hand watch "I have to go to work"   
She stood up and put on her coat "Will you be a sweetheart and lock up when you leave?"  
"Sure"  
"Thanks Pete" she said kissing his cheek.

March 1981

It had been 5 months working for the deatheaters. Well not quite. He only had to write or meet up with Malfoy and give him all the information he could. He skipped the torturing and killing part. He haven't seen any deatheater other than Malfoy. He hadn't seen You Know Who, thank Merlin. But still he felt so guilty. They have been so close to die so many times. Deatheaters simply arrived and nobody understood how they found them. Only Peter knew. He have been avoiding, lying everyone. He was good at lying now.   
He was at an Order meeting sitting in the back, far away from everyone. James, Sirius and Remus knew he'd been acting suspicious. But they just let him be. They assumed he was still overwelmed by Marlene's death.   
Moody came in sitting at the top chair. "I have bad news" he said "There's a spy between us"   
Peter's heart stopped beating for a while. He was very pale. Shit. They got him.   
"What?" asked Sirius "Who is it?"   
"I will gladly like to know Black" Moody sounded irritated. "But that's the point. Dumbledore thinks the spy must've been giving information to the other side for months now"  
"Well that explains a lot" said Gideon.  
"Now some of us are not here. They are at work or on missions. But for the ones that are here, I can bloody tell you this" he made a meaningful pause. "I'll catch the guilty" he had flames on his eyes.  
"How do we know you are not the spy?" asked Emmaline.   
People raised up and began fighting, building up conspiracises and accusing others. Soon the room was a mess. Peter took advantage of the chaotic situation to go outside for a bit.   
He was sweating cold and he couldn't breath properly. He was having a panick attack again. He leaned to the wall.   
"You feel guilty now? Too late to go back now" It was Marlene. Peter was not surprised. He had been seeing her on his head a lot. Kind of like his conscious.   
"They won't find out is me" he said   
"Oh they will, they are talented wizards after all"   
"No"  
"You know what would happen, don't you? They'll send you to Azkaban so you can rot there" Peter was moving his head and shaking "And that's not the worse part. Your friends are gonna hate you. Forever"  
"I did this to protect them" he said  
"Do you really think they are gonna believe that?" Marlene continued "You're practically a deatheater"  
"No, no I'm sorry. I just wanted them to be safe. They're my friends. They will understand"  
"Peter" Marlene's voice sounded sinister "Are they really your friends? You are a nuisance to them. They wouldn't miss you at all"  
"Shut up" murmured Peter  
"It's always been them. The great James, fabulous Sirius, cute and sensible Remus. What do you bring to the group?"  
"Shut up" Peter was covering his ears.  
"They don't need you. They don't care about you. Never have, not properly. Maybe they deserve what you are doing"  
"No. Shut up"  
"Do you feel guilty Peter?"  
"SHUT UP!" he yelled. And Marlene's voice faded away.  
"Are you okay Peter?" Peter opened his eyes to see Alice Longbottom in front of him.  
Peter nodded but he was shaking. Alice sighted.  
"I needed some fresh air"   
Peter didn't respond. He couldn't speak.  
"A spy ha?" she said "I can't believe someone would do something like that"  
Peter's heart was beating fast.  
"I'm scared for Frank, and Neville..." she had tears on her eyes. "I know that you are scared too. Specially after what happened to Mar..." she sighted.  
"Who..." Peter swallowed "Who do think it is? Th-the spy?"   
Alice raised her shoulder. "No idea" she whispered "But I don't think is anyone of us. Our closest friends I mean, don't you agree?"  
Peter nodded again. He tried smiling to her. But he couldn't cope with that right now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The relationship between the Marauders was really good but the war got the worst of them. Little by little, the friendship broke

June 1980

It was boys night out. It was the only night in months when the four Marauders had the night free. Lily was at home and the girls promised to go and give her company. After wondering what they should do for like an hour, Remus suggested to go Bowling. And after Peter and Remus explained Sirius and James what the game was about and that it wasn't boring at all, they decided it was a good idea. 

So they were currently at the Bowling place and Peter was devouring a very large pizza with extra cheese, while it was James' turn.   
"Aaww.. is nice to be us four again" he said as he went to grab the ball "Without magic, Order missions, pregnant wives. Like old times"  
"Yeah" answered Sirius sitting with Remus across from Peter "You haven't been apart from Lily in a long time. You just spend time with her. I mean you already knocked her up. What else do you want?"  
Remus and Peter laughted.  
"Well I can say the same thing of you and Mr. Lupin, here"  
"Trust me, if Moony could get pregnant. He would've been a long time ago"  
Remus almost spilled his drink. "Pads" he went very red. And Sirius laughted.   
"Merlin's beard" Peter said with his mouth full "I'm bloody eating"  
James grabbed the ball and he almost dropped to the floor "Blimey! Why these balls are so heavy? I prefer the quaffle" he threw the ball so strong that it almost broke the floor but the ball went through the gutter. James sighted. "I hate this bloody game. Muggles only play this because they don't have Quidditch" he said sitting down.   
"It's fun Prongs" Pete said "Don't be a baby"   
"Your turn Pads" James sounded irritated.  
"Okay Moony" said Sirius dragging his boyfriend up "Show me how is done" Remus rolled his eyes but he was smiling.  
"Okay Pads" Remus took a ball and from behind Sirius he put it on his hands "You have to put your fingers through the holes, see?"   
"Mmm... My fingers through the holes...?" Sirius asked smiling.   
Remus went very red. "Yeaah..."  
"You know we can hear you, right?" James said disgusted.  
"Yeah I'm still eating, you wankers" Peter added.  
"Sirius!" Remus was blushing. He punched his boyfriend's arm. "Pay attention" he said smiling.  
"Okay okay" Sirius smiled. "I'm paying attention"   
"So you throw the ball and try to hit all the pins over there" continued Remus pointing forward. But Sirius wasn't paying attention, he was looking fondly at his boyfriend. "Ah ha"   
Remus smiled because he knew Sirius was looking at him. "Now throw it".  
Sirius threw the ball but it went directly to the gutter.  
"What just happened?" Sirius asked   
"You just lost. You have no points" Remus said patting Sirius shoulder and smiling.   
"Arrrggg" Sirius protested "Prongs was right. This muggle game sucks"   
"Told ya!" said James with food on his mouth.  
"Okay, loosers" said Peter cleaning his hands "Let the master show you how is done"  
Peter stood up but before he grabbed the ball, he streched.   
"What is he doing?" James asked his friends   
"No idea" answered Remus looking at Peter.  
Peter grabbed the ball and sighted concentrating. He threw it and bam! Strike!  
"YEEES!" Peter shouted and so his friends.   
"Yeeeeaah"  
Peter started jumping and dancing. And his friends joined him. Hugging him and rubbing his hair.  
"Wormtail! Wormtail! Wormtail!" They shouted. It was a stupid strike. But that's what the Marauders did. They were weird with every little thing. They celebrated everything. People around looked at them like crazy. But Peter didn't care, he was happy and he adored those assholes. 

May 1981

"Thank you Wormtail" said Malfoy as he took the piece of parchment with the details of the next mission. And without saying anything else he apparated. It was a cold night. Peter was shivering. He wanted to ask Malfoy so many things, including the question if he would keep his promise of protecting him and his friends. Many good wizards were on that night's mission. He hoped that Malfoy would keep his word.   
Peter sighted and apparated to Remus' and Sirius'. He was taking care of Remus that night since the full moon was the night before.   
He knocked the door but nobody responded. Did they forget he was coming? But he heard shouting from inside. Sirius and Remus were fighting again.   
He forced the bolt and realized it was opened. They shouldn't be this careless.  
Peter stepped in. He could hear the screaming more clearly now.   
"I don't fucking care Sirius! You're drunk all the time. You don't give a shit about anything"  
"How am I supposed to give a shit about stuff if you don't trust me! Ha?" Sirius was histerical "This relationship is breaking apart"  
"THEN YOU SHOULD FUCKING DATE SOMEONE WHO ISN'T A BLOODY WEREWOLF. NOT A BURDEN TO YOU"  
"I didn't mean that at all Remus... Arrrggg! You're impossible today!"  
"Yeah... That's the Bloody werewolf part of me. Get used to it"   
"Whatever..." Sirius said as he came into the living room, where Peter was.  
"Aaaarggg!" He heard Remus screaming.   
Sirius had tears on his eyes. But when he saw Peter he smiled at him. "Hey Wormy!" he said hugging him. Peter smiled slightly.  
"Is everything okay?"   
"Yeah he is just angry at me" Sirius said "Like always" he laughted sarcastically. "Anyway got to go" he looked himself in the mirror fixing his hair. Peter wondered why he cared so much. He was only going a mission. Shit the mission!   
"Thank you for taking care of him Wormtail"  
"Padfoot" Peter said panicking "Do you really have to go?"  
"Yes. I have to"   
"Please don't go" he said grabbing Sirius arm.  
"It's okay" Sirius said getting Peter's hand away "I'll be careful"   
"Sirius..." But before he could say anything Sirius apparated. Panick.  
"Wormy!" Remus called him from his room. "Fancy some chocolate cake?"

Hours later, Peter and Remus were laying on the couch. Eating a chocolate cake, Peter just baked. Remus looked pale and sick as always after the full moon. Plus he had red eyes, he had definetly been crying. "Mmm..." he said enjoying the bite "You always bake the best cakes Wormy" he said.  
But Peter ignored him. He couldn't stop thinking about the mission. What would Malfoy do? Would they hurt them? Would they hurt Sirius? It would be all Peter's fault. Suddenly the cake didn't look so well anymore. He put it on the table.  
"You are offly quiet tonight" said Remus.  
"I'm fine" lied Peter but his voice sounded high pitched. He cleared his throat.   
"Remus" he said "Are you and Sirius okay?" He didn't want Sirius to die angry with his boyfriend. He didn't want Sirius to die. Periot. He should stop thinking like that.   
Remus looked down and sighted.  
"Yeah we're fine. I mean he irritates me sometimes. He's been like that ever since Regulus died. But I love him" he smiled "We will be alright"  
If he survives. Peter felt a knot on his chest. He wanted to cry.   
"Can I ask you something?" he said. Remus nodded. "Vol... You... Know Who is offering a lot of things to werewolves, isn't he?" Remus closed his eyes, like Peter's words were hurting him. "Yes"  
"Have you ever considered..."  
"I'm not gonna lie Peter" Remus said "I have. But I couldn't do this to the Order, to you, my friends"   
Peter simply looked at him.  
"Besides he is a lier Peter. Him and his followers" Remus spoke with disgust "They are all liers. They promise nice things but at what cost?"   
Peter swallowed   
"Innocent people dying" he shook his head "Torture, fear, decay. Nothing it's worth that"  
"You're right" Peter smiled trying to hide how bad he was feeling "Eat up" he said standing up "I'll go to the loo"   
He locked the door as fast as he could and vomited everything he had eaten. He felt so bad. Phyisically and emotionaly. And after that he sat on the floor crying his heart out. Quietly so Remus couldn't hear him.

When he calmed down a bit. He went out only to find Remus fast asleep on the couch. He covered him with a blanket and sat next to him. He was fed up with this shit. He wanted to go back to Hogwarts, when he and his friends had the time of their lives. When he didn't lie to them. He promised himself he wasn't gonna help Malfoy anymore. Maybe it wasn't too late. And he was gonna tell his friends the truth. Even if they hate him after.

Hours later. Peter had fallen asleep next to Remus. He woke up by a sound. Remus was also awake. They froze. Lately sounds like that weren't a good sign. But the door opened and Sirius got in. He was fine! He only had blood on his chin.   
Remus stood up "Padfoot!" he hugged him. "You're okay! You're okay. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry" he said kissing his boyfriend everywhere. "I love you. I can't live without you"  
Sirius flinched at the touch. Perhaps he was hurt somewhere else. "I'm sorry Moony" he had tears on his eyes "I love you too. I fucking love you!"  
And the couple started kissing very passionetly. Peter looked away. Remus pushed Sirius away after a while. "Peter is here, remember?"  
Sirius smiled "Oh yes!" he said "Hi Wormy"   
Peter smiled at him. Merlin he was so glad he was alive.   
"I should go then" Peter said.  
Sirius was hugging Remus "Noo. Pete stay. You can't sleep here if you want"  
"I don't want to bother"   
"Yeah stay Wormy" Remus said "It's too late to apparate alone"  
"It would be fun" Sirius added "Sleepover! Just like old times"   
"Alright" Peter said. Maybe he should take that time to tell them the truth.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get a little deeper and sadder.

The next day Peter woke up very tired. He bearly slept, thinking how he was gonna tell his friends he was working with Malfoy. That he was the freaking spy. He stood up and went to the kitchen to find Remus and Sirius discussing some things   
"You should just tell me the truth Moony. What have you been up to?"  
"I told you I can't say it. You just have to trust me. Do you trust me Pads?" Sirius didn't answer. "Do you love me?"  
Sirius sighted "Of course I do" but he looked away "Oh hi! Wormy!" he said as he spotted Peter. Remus turned to look at him. "Good morning"  
Peter sat on the table.   
"Do you want some breakfast?" asked Remus.  
"I'm not very hungry"   
"Good because the pancakes Moony prepares are not that good" Sirius said smiling.  
"Oi!" said Remus.  
"Lads!" Peter spoke up "I.... I have to tell you something"   
Remus and Sirius looked at him. But before he could say anything, an owl arrived to the window. Sirius looked at his friends puzzled. He stood up and opening up the window, he took the letter and open it.  
Suddenly he went very pale. "Shit"   
"What is it Sirius?" asked Remus  
"Dorcas is dead" 

Minutes later they were at the Order's Quarters. And there she was, lying at the table, covered in some black plastic, the body of Dorcas. Fabian said they didn't know what to do with the body, so they brought her there. James and Lily were nowhere to be seen. Perhaps Prongs thought this was too much for Lily. Peter saw many Order members crying and discussing about it.   
"I don't know what happened" Sirius said. He was shocked and very pale. "When I left yesterday, she was fine"   
"They say the very same You Know Who appeared later" Frank was saying "She fought directly with him"   
"She was so brave" Alice said with tears on her eyes.  
Peter couldn't take it anymore. He moved back and ran as fast as he could away from there.

February 1980

James and Lily just got married. Bloody hell. Peter could see them slow dancing. Lily was a few months pregnant. They were both so in love with each other. Just staring into each other's eyes. Peter wondered if he would ever feel that way about someone.  
He was just eating the wedding cake when someone sat next to him. It was Dorcas.  
"Can you believe it?" she said "They hated each other 5 years ago. And now..."  
"Perfect match"   
"Do you think we will ever find that kind of love?"   
Peter found himself looking towards Marlene. She was dancing with a couple of half veelas.  
"I don't know" he said. He looked at Dorcas but she was looking at Marlene as well.  
"You love her" Peter said smiling. It was the first time he realized it.  
"What?" Dorcas said nervous   
"You love Marlene" he was still smiling.  
"Of course I love her. She is my best friend"  
"No you love love her"  
Finally Dorcas met his eyes.   
"Ha... That's ridiculous"   
"Ooh... You are so in love with her"  
"No I'm not"  
"Yes you aree" said Peter rather singing.   
"Shut up Pettigrew"  
Peter laughted "It's okay. I have two gay friends already" he gestured towards Sirius and Remus. Sirius was whispering something at Remus ear. And Remus was smiling like a fool.  
"Yeah I know" Dorcas said "But is complicated for me"  
"So you do love her!"  
"I'm gonna hit you"  
"Okay sorry" Peter smiled "Why is complicated? Sirius parents didn't approve eather. And look at him now"  
"It's not that" Dorcas sighted "Being gay is not harmonic with my religion"   
As Peter remembered, Dorcas was a jew and she respected her religion very well.   
"I'm supposed to get married to a man and procreate. That's what God wants"  
"That's bullshit" Dorcas looked at him "Sorry. But you know is true. You can still have kids with Marly"  
Dorcas simply looked at him "What are you helping me? I thought you were her fuck friend"  
"We are just friends" Peter answered.  
"C'mon you want to shag her"   
"Nah! I care more about our friendship. I respect her too much for that"  
Dorcas looked at him but smiled "You're a weird lad, you know that?"   
Peter laughted "But handsome as well"  
"I wouldn't know, I'm a lesbian" Peter laughted at that.

"Ma two best friends!" Marlene approached them and put her arms around them. She was drunk. "You guys were talking shit about me. Weren't ya?"  
"You caught us" said Dorcas  
"Very bad, nasty things" Peter added  
Marlene laughted. Suddenly 'At last' by Etta James played. "Oi! I love this song" she said "Come and dance with me"  
"No I don't dance" said Dorcas  
"C'mon Dorki!" said Marly  
"Yeah c'mon Dorki" said Peter smiling "Don't be a buzz killer"   
Dorcas looked at him with hate.  
"Oh, shit. Fine"   
The three of them stood up and went to the dance floor. Peter could see James and Lily smiling at them. Sirius and Remus were now dancing and kissing as well, causing some noisy people to stare at them. Peter danced with the two girls. Turning them around. They danced and laughted. And Peter was grateful to have those people in his life.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At least Peter tried to get out of the dark side...

May 1981

Peter got to the Leaky Cauldron. He knew he would find him there. They used to have some meet ups at that place. When it was absolutely necesary. Bingo! Malfoy was there, drinking and chatting with some blokes. Were they deatheaters? Peter didn't know. From the window, he waved at Malfoy to get his attention. When he finally got a glimpse of Peter. He whispered something to his companions and went outside with him.   
"What do you want?" he whispered but he was furious. "I told you not to look for me. I look for you, you imbecile"  
"I'm out"   
"Excuse me?"   
"I'm not doing this anymore. I'm out" then he pushed Malfoy "You fucking promised to keep me and my friends safe"  
Malfoy simply looked at Peter "MY FRIEND FUCKING DIED TODAY" Peter was histerical.  
Malfoy laughted. What a wanker. "You think you can simply say no to The Dark Lord? Nobody does. Is eather you follow him, or die"   
"You didn't keep your promise" said Peter crying  
Malfoy smiled evily "And you bloody believe me? How naïve are you?"  
Peter pointed him with his wand.   
"You don't dare to hex me"   
Peter's arm was shaking, he didn't know if it was from the rage or because he was scared.  
"You're gonna keep helping me Wormtail"  
"Wait" Malfoy looked pale "He doesn't know about me, does he?" Malfoy didn't answer "The Dark Lord?"  
Peter laughted histerically. "You've been taking credit for what I've been doing. You're scared of what he might do if he looses the source of information"   
Malfoy looked at him. Peter could see all that he was saying was true. "You might stop being his favourite. Am I right?"   
"Shut up" yelled Malfoy pushing Peter's arm away.  
"Well you're fucked up Malfoy. Because I'm out"   
Malfoy raised his wand but before he could hex him, Peter apparated.

September 1980

Peter was in another Order Meeting. Marlene got stressed at Order meetings because they always mention deaths, terror and how horrible deatheaters were. So she was on his shoulder. And he was massaging her palm. Dorcas was next to Marlene eyeing the two out with jelaousy. Peter always had to assure her, Marly and him were just friends and she should tell her how she felt.   
The meeting hadn't began yet. And they were all feeling anxious.  
"Hey, gorgeous people" said Sirius sitting next to Peter. He watched between Peter and Marlene smirking "Are you two a couple now? Or what?"   
"We're just friends" Peter and Marlene answered at the same time.   
"Yeah and I'm not the most handsome lad here" he said  
"Stop saying stupid things, Sirius" said Dorcas.  
"Okaay Dorki not in a good mood, I guess" Sirius said "Don't worry, We'll get you a boyfriend too" Dorcas shook her head and rolled her eyes. Sometimes Sirius didn't think before speaking.  
Peter looked at Dorcas 'Tell her' he only moved his lips . 'No' Dorcas moved her lips as well.

Suddenly James, Lily, Alice and Frank came brusting out of the other room. The one Dumbledore used as his 'office'. James looked so angry. Lily was sad trying to calm him. On the other hand, Frank was very pale. Hugging his wife, who was crying on his shoulder. James exploted "IT'S NOT FAIR" he yelled as he kicked the chair "FUCK" "James" Lily pulled him from his arm. "Arrrggg!" he said in frustation.  
Remus went to hug Lily. And Sirius went towards James. "Mate, what's going on?" but James closed his eyes in pain.  
"Voldemort" it was Frank who spoke "He is going after our babies" he sighted "Neville and Harry"

June 1981

Harry was so cute. He had grown up so fast. He was too big and thick. He already had James' untidy hair. But Lily's eyes were shining through. Peter was currently playing with him. Or Harry was playing with every single kitchen tool he could find. Peter was eyeing James and Lily who were talking in the living room. James was nearly on tears and Lily was whispering something to him, touching his cheek. James nodded at something she said, and then James kissed her. They started kissing and Peter looked away. Harry was now reaching for Peter's wand. "No Harry" he said "That's not a toy".

Peter was more calmed now that he was not longer with Malfoy. It had been weeks and surprisely, nor Malfoy or any deatheater had come for him. Perhaps it was over. He didn't need to tell his friends about his relationship with the deatheaters. Maybe he could leave that behind. Peter promised himself to help his friends with all he could. Compensate all the damage he had done. And to protect James and Lily, and Harry. They were the ones in most danger. 

James came to the kitchen wiping out tears. He took Harry in his arms and he started kissing him. "My baby boy! Who is the most handsome? Ha?" Harry started laughing. And Peter smiled at that sight.   
"How you've been Wormtail?" James asked Peter.  
"Good"   
James smiled.   
"How are you? And Lily?" Peter asked.  
"Worried but we are gonna get out of this one, Pete"   
Voldemort was after the boy from the prophecy. According to Dumbledore it could be Harry or Neville. But now Voldemort had been particularly interested in finding Harry.  
"Prongs" Peter said. James looked at him "Why don't you just go away?"  
"What do you mean?"   
"Take Lily and Harry and run away. Somewhere far. Where they can't find you. At least for now"  
"No. I'm not doing such thing"  
"Why not?"   
"BECAUSE I'M NOT A COWARD!" James yelled but then he sighted, kissing Harry in the forehead. "We have to keep fighting Wormtail. Destroy him once and for all. Or else, they are gonna keep tracking us down. Forever" he shook his head "I can't live like this, with fear our whole lives"  
Peter didn't understand. They could just leave. But he nodded. "You're right, sorry"  
James ignored him, instead he made a face "Someone needs to change his diaper" he said to Harry "You're a nasty boy, mate"   
"Wormy can you take Harry to Lily?" he said as he placed the baby into Peter's arms "I'm gonna clean this mess" Yes. The kitchen was a bloody mess. Harry had dropped everything to the floor.   
"Yeah" Peter said.  
"But first" James said as he took a pack of cigarettes "I'm gonna have a cig" James said winking. He placed the cig into his mouth.

Peter took Harry upstairs. He found Lily cleaning Harry's toys scattered on the floor. She look so sad and tired.   
"Hey sweety" said Peter smiling. Lily looked at him.  
"This boy needs a change of diaper"  
"Great" said Lily sighting. She took Harry on her arms and placed him on the bed. "Don't ever be a father Pete" she said and she started changing Harry's diaper.  
Peter smiled putting his hands on his pockets.   
"How are you?" she asked  
"Fine..."   
"Such a shame, wasn't it?" Lily continued with a sad expression "I found out this morning"   
"About what?"  
"You didn't hear?"   
Peter shook his head worried.   
"The McKinnons are dead" she said. What? Peter was shocked "Adam and his parents were killed by deatheaters"  
Peter was too surprised to speak. Adam was only 17.   
"Poor people" Lily said "At least they are with Marly now...."  
And Lily started crying. Peter hugged her.   
"I'm sorry Lily" he said "I'm so sorry"  
"What are you apologizing for Pete?" Lily said between sobs "It's not your fault"  
But it kind of was. The first thing that popped into his mind was Malfoy. And how angry he looked the last time he saw him.  
"I'm so scared" Lily said crying on his shoulder.   
"It's okay Lils" said Peter with tears on his eyes "Nothing is gonna happen. You and Harry and James are safe. I promise" And Lily kept crying.

Later that day, Peter apparated to his house. "Mom?" he said as he came in. She didn't answer. "Mom?" he said panicking.   
"Hello darling" his mom appeard. Peter sighted. He was so relieved. She was alive.   
"You have visitors" she said smiling.  
"What?"

As he went to the living room he wondered who could it be. And then he saw him, sitting on his bloody sofa. Malfoy. With another bloke next to him.  
"Hello Peter" he said smiling. Peter's heart dropped to the floor. He went very white.   
"Your friends are very nice Peter" his mom said "How come you never introduced them to me?"  
Peter didn't answer.  
"You didn't tell me you have such a lovely mother" Malfoy said  
"And with a talent to make such exquisite biscuits" the other lad said as he gulped some on his mouth. Who the fuck was he?  
"Oh stop it" said Peter's mother blushing.  
"Mom..." Peter said as he found his voice back "Can you leave us alone please?"   
"Alright" she said "I'll be upstairs. It was nice too meet you, boys" she smiled "You can ask me whatever you want"  
Malfoy smiled "Thank you Mrs. Pettigrew"  
"We will" said the other lad with his mouth full.  
Mrs. Pettigrew left smiling.   
"You have such a lovely home Pettigrew" said Malfoy looking around.   
Peter took out his wand "What are you fucking doing here?"  
"Relax" Malfoy said "There's no need for wands" he stood up coming towards Peter. "You're gonna help me again, Wormtail" he said as he touch Peter's shoulder. Peter moved away.  
"I told you I won't!"  
"Just remember Wormtail" Malfoy continued "We know were you live now. And it would be a shame to kill your mother, wouldn't it Goyle?"   
"Yeah, a shame. Seriously these biscuits are so good"   
Goyle was about to put another on his mouth. But Malfoy flicked his wand and the biscuit exploted on his hand. "Oi!" Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Anyway" Malfoy said to Peter "You better keep helping us, Wormtail. Or else your Mommy, maybe the blood traitor of Black or his disgusting boyfriend could die. Understood?"  
Peter didn't say anything. He was static.  
"Let's go Goyle" said Malfoy.  
"Alright" Goyle started picking biscuits and putting them on his pockets.  
"What are you doing?" Malfoy asked him.  
"Taking some for later" Goyle answered   
Malfoy rolled his eyes "Honestly, you are a bloody pig Goyle" he said.  
And they both apparated. Peter leaned to the wall. Having a panick attack again. And he started crying.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning of Depression and Anxiety ⚠️

September 1981

Back to this shit. Peter had to give Malfoy information again. Or else, Merlin knows who he was going to kill. Or if bloody You Know Who was going to do unspeakable things to him. The war was at the worst and Peter was so scared. He had panick attacks daily now. And he bearly left the house. Only for missions or Order meetings. He didn't give a fuck on pretending he was fine anymore. But nobody noticed. James and Lily couldn't leave the house. And Sirius was to worried about them. Him and Remus constantly fought. They didn't touch each other as often.   
Everytime someone got hurt, or died, Peter felt so fucking guilty. He locked up in his room and slapped or hit himself.  
Peter cried everynight. He didn't have the energy to eat, shower and sometimes get out of bed. He had constant nightmares. He was on a trance. 

It was a particular morning when Peter got out of that trance. Peter was still in bed. He haven't slept in days. But he didn't dare to move. He just stared at the plain wall. But Peter saw her face. Marlene was standing there looking at him with hate.  
Suddenly someone knocked the door. "Peter?" his mom called from outside.  
Peter didn't answer. He covered his head with the sheets.   
His mother came in. "Peter. Wake up" she said. She sat on the side of the bed.   
"I've made you breakfast. Your favourite. Eggs and bacon?"   
"Not hungry mom"  
"You need to eat. At least raise up from bed. It's your Birthday"  
"Who cares?" said Peter "Nobody cares" Everyone was too busy on staying alive.  
"FOR MERLIN'S BEARD!" his mother yelled, which made Peter looked at her. "I'm bloody tired of this! What's going on? You don't eat, you don't get out of bed" she had tears on her eyes "You don't tell me what's going on? What's going on?"  
Peter didn't answer.  
"YOU'RE GONNA GET OUT OF BED THIS INSTANT" she yelled.   
And Peter couldn't take it anymore. He brust into tears. Covering his face with his hands.   
"I'm sorry" he said sobbing  
"Oh Peter"   
"I'm so sorry. M' just too scared. An...an... tireeeed, M' bloody tireeeed...."   
His mother hugged him. She also cried as well. "It's okay baby" she said "It's okay"  
"I waaant to leaaave!" Peter cried  
"Okay, okay sweet pie"   
And they both cried like never before.

October 1981

After the talk with his mother, Mrs. Pettigrew seemed to be too pending of Peter. Constantly watching him, feeding him. Almost never leaving him alone. But Peter felt the same emptiness inside. He just wanted the war to be over. Everything to be over.  
For the past couple of weeks, The Order meetings had been cancelled, almost every member was death. James and Lily couldn't go out of the house and only Sirius was their secret keeper. Same thing with Frank and Alice. Augusta, Frank's mother was their secret keeper. So there was no point on doing the meetings or missions anymore. At least according to Dumbledore, until they have an excellent plan.  
Malfoy sent code letters to Peter mostly every day threathening him. He was loosing pacience. So Peter only had one choice.  
"Mom" they were drinking tea while Mrs. Pettigrew read the Daily Prophet.   
"Yes darling?" Peter's mom had been extra careful with him. So he didn't have a brake down or something. She smiled but Peter knew too well she was suffering.  
"Do y-you r-remembered w-what I say t-the other day?" his voice was shaking. His body was shaking. That happened a lot these days. Peter didn't know if it was from cold, tireness, fear or something else.   
His mother looked at him.  
"Ab-bout leav-ving?" he said "M-maybe we should g-go for a b-bit"  
"Peter, go where?" his mother asked concerned.  
"S-somew-where. Anyw-where. It would make me f-feel better. Until everything has c-calmed d-down"  
"What about your friends?" Mrs Pettigrew knew how close Peter was with his friends, how much he loved them. But Peter didn't recognized them anymore.   
"T-they c-can go as well, s-somew-where?" he lied  
"You know sweetheart? That's sound like a good idea. It might do you some good. Relieve all the stress you have. It would be difficult to travel for now, but I can get us an arrangement"  
Mrs. Pettigrew didn't know the Order business, the spy business. She only thought Peter was stressed about the war, like most people were.   
"R-really?" Maybe Peter was running away, but for now there was no other choice.   
Peter's mom nodded. "Yeah baby, whatever you need"  
"I'll g-go and s-start packing then" he said as he went upstairs.

A few hours later Peter was sitting in bed. All of his things were scattered on the floor. He had so many things. He didn't know where to start packing. And he didn't have the energy, he was trembling again.   
Sirius came through the door. He seemed worried and pale. "Hey Peter"   
"Sirius!" Peter start panicking. Eventhough Peter was glad Sirius was alive, seeing him brought all the guilt back again. "What are you d-doing here?"   
"Your mom owled me" he said looking around "She is worried about you Pete. She said some nonsense about you wanted to leave?"  
Peter didn't answer. Shit. He had trusted her. Even his mother thought he was crazy. Maybe he was.   
Sirius sat at the bed.   
"I know that you are scared, we all are. But you can't leave. We have to bloody fight" Sirius had red eyes and he was hyperactive. Peter didn't say anything, he just stayed there against the wall, trembling.  
"We have to do something Peter" he muttered mostly to himself "I can not still be the secret keeper. To many people know. The spy must know"   
Yes, he did. Peter now tears on his eyes. But still he didn't say anything. Sirius sounded so angry but hurt at the same time.   
"James and Lily need a new secret keeper. Someone nobody knows. You Peter" he looked at Peter.  
"No" said Peter "no"  
"Peter" said Sirius as he grabbed Peter's face "It's okay, you can"  
"No, I can't" Peter started crying again  
"Yes Peter yes" Sirius kissed his forehead "You're the only one I trust right now"  
Peter couldn't think about Malfoy. He would find out so easily where James and Lily were through him.  
"R-remus?" muttered Peter  
Sirius looked away. "I don't think we can trust him anymore"  
"No, noo" Peter sobbed. He wanted to scream at Sirius that he was the spy. That he shouldn't trust him. But he couldn't form any words out of his mouth. He was crying and shaking so much.  
"Pete, Pete look at me" Sirius said   
But Peter didn't dare to look at him. "No...no" he sobbed while shaking his head.  
"FOR MERLIN'S BEARD STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING COWARD!" screamed Sirius.   
Peter stopped crying, he looked at Sirius in shock. It was true, he was a coward. He couldn't tell Sirius the truth. He was so scared. Sirius was capable of killing him right there.  
"Sorry Pete" he said more calmed "You have to understand it is the only way to keep James and Lily safe. Don't worry, we will do everything to protect you I promise" Sirius grabbed Peter's hand closing his eyes. "Sirius..." But before Peter could do anything, Sirius took out his wand and muttered a spell.   
Peter felt a weight on his chest. Suddenly he could see James and Lily on his mind, exactly where they were. At Godric's Hollow. And he knew exactly how to get there. Sirius let him go and put his wand away. Peter was drown back by the power of the magic.   
"I have to go now" Sirius said  
"No, Sirius please" Peter was begging "Please don't go"  
But Sirius ignored him. "Thank you Peter" he said kissing his cheek "I love you mate".   
"Sirius..." But he apparated. Peter felt so overwhelmed, that he dropped to the floor. And he started crying again.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last Chapter! Trigger of Depression Anxiety and Suicidal thoughts ⚠️ Did you like this fanfic?

Two days later, after thinking about it for hours now, Peter took a decision. None deatheater had come for him yet. But it was just a matter of time. They would find out somehow he was the secret keeper now. Peter could clearly see James and Lily on his mind. He had to do something.   
He went downstairs were his mom was preparing a bowl of candy. The house was slightly decorated. Halloween. Peter had lost track of time, he didn't even realized it was Halloween.   
"Mom" he said.  
"Peter!" she said "Thank Merlin you are awake. Be a sweety and help me with the candy. The children will be here any minute"  
But Peter ignored her.  
"I have to go somewhere"   
"What?" his mother looked at him surprised.  
"I...I have to do something? I-it's kind of important"  
"Nonsense!" she said approaching him "Do you think I'm gonna let you go? No! You're not okay! You're gonna stay here, with me. Do you understand?" she sounded angry but mostly worried.   
"Sorry I have to go" he said  
"Peter..." He hugged his mom really tight. It would probably would be the last time he saw her. "Love you mom". Then he smiled at her.   
"Peter...." But before she could say anything, Peter apparated.

Peter found himself at Lambeth Bridge. Nobody was around. It was a cloudy night. How many times he passed through it. And now there was where he was going to die. He was gonna kill himself. For the seek of his friends. It was the only way. As he stepped into the edge, he tought maybe he was being a coward. He would pass the problem to Remus and Sirius. Perhaps they would die anyways... No! he had to do this. They were stronger than he had ever been. Peter started crying again. He was shaking. Why was he such a fucking coward?   
"Marly...." he said "I'm so fucking scared"  
He couldn't even dare to kill himself. He was so scared of dying. But he didn't dare to tell his friends the truth, to see the look of hate on their eyes. He was too afraid of what Voldemort or the deatheaters might do to him.  
Peter looked down. The water was revolving like in a storm. Suddenly he didn't feel like dying. He hated himself, such a coward.  
And then he heard apparating noises. "Wormtail" he heard a voice and Peter recognized it inmediately, even though he had never heard it before. Voldemort.   
"I can finally meet you" Peter went very pale "I have heard so many things about you"   
Peter didn't respond just trembled.   
"Grab him!"   
And Peter felt arms grabbing him. Someone hit his head and he fell into nothingness.

Peter opened his eyes slowly. He had no idea where we was. It was a very dark room. He realized he was seated and tied up with magic. He moved trying to free himself buy it was impossible. He had no idea where his wand was. He didn't even remember if he had it on the Bridge.  
"Hello Wormtail" Voldemort voice sounded so sinister behind Peter. Like it was out of this world "You're finally awake"   
Peter started moving like crazy, trying to free himself.   
"Hey, hey it's fine" said Voldemort sitting in front of Peter. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I just need to chat"  
Peter could see he looked so white, with a very sinister expression, and he had penetrating red eyes. All Voldemort's presence made Peter shiver.  
"So" he said as he crossed his legs "Lucius told me you were giving us information about the Order of Phoenix, is that right? Thank you so much for that"   
Peter didn't answer he just thought Voldemort was surely gonna kill him.  
"Oh I'm not gonna kill you Wormtail" he said. It was as if he was reading his mind. "I just need information first"  
Voldemort leaned forward "You see, there's a boy who is supposely gonna kill me. Harry Potter" he smiled evily "And I need to stop him before he does. Don't you agree?"  
Peter didn't answer. He was swallowing hard.   
"I want you to tell me who is The Potter's secret keeper. I know they've been using the Fidelius Charm. You know I have ways of making you talk" he said as he examinated his wand. Shit! They didn't know Peter was the secret keeper? He thought they knew by now.  
Voldemort looked surprised "So you are the secret keeper ha?" What? How did he..? Voldemort started laughing like a maniac. "That was so easy! You know, your mind is like an open book" he closed his eyes, like he was listening. "Oh, what is it? James, Lily, your poor mother is home alone? That I have to stop reading your mind?" Voldemort laughted.   
Fuck. Peter forgot Voldemort was an expert at Legilimency.   
"Yes Wormtail, I am" he said smiling "But unfortunetly, I can't get the information I precisely need. So you have to tell me... Where are the Potters?"   
"I ...I..." Peter sttudered   
"I....I" Voldemort imitated him "Tell me Wormtail or I'll kill everyone you love" Peter started crying again "Sirius Black..." Voldemort read his mind "Mmm... There's a werewolf.... The Potters... Your mother ...."  
"No please" Peter cried  
"Or I can kill you now" he continued "And then I'll torture them until I find the information. Same thing ... It's your choice"   
"Nooo..." cried Peter he knew Voldemort was gonna hurt James and Lily.   
"Listen to me" he said "I might have mercy, and spare the lives of the parents. And of everyone...They are young, the'll get over it. Perhaps have other children in the future.... Think about it"  
But Peter kept thinking about baby Harry in his arms "Arrrggg, you disgust me Wormtail, you're weak"  
Voldemort touch his arm and Peter felt an unspeakable pain that forced him to close his eyes. And images flashed into his mind. He saw himself younger with his friends at Hogwarts, laughing about something. He saw how Remus, Sirius and James hugged him and made him feel accepted. He saw himself dancing and making his mom laugh. But then, he saw Remus and Sirius on the floor of their flat being tortured. He saw hooded figures stepping into his house, his mother crying and asking for Peter as those figures grabbed her, he saw James and Lily dead on the floor and baby Harry crying next to them.   
And finally he saw Marlene smiling at him and then she spoke: "Harry is just a baby. What's his life worth for, when you can save many more?"  
Peter screamed grabbing his head "THIS IS NOT REAL. IS NOT"  
"Is it not? Or is it?" Voldemort spoke and Peter opened his eyes. He was shaking. That was horrible. It seemed so real.   
"You want to find out what I can do to your loved ones?" Voldemort asked. "I have deatheaters watching them right now, waiting to follow my orders" he raised his sleeve and Peter could see what looked like a tattoo of a skull with a snake surrounding it. "You want to see what could happen to them? Let's try again..."  
He was about to grab Peter's arm again when he shouted "NO, PLEASE DON'T" he said crying. He couldn't go through something like that "Okay you win! I'll tell you"  
Voldemort smiled. Maybe that was selfish. But it was the life of a toddler who didn't understand much against so many people who deserved to live. Maybe Voldemort was right. James and Lily will get over it, maybe have another child?  
"I'm listening Wormtail" said Voldemort leaning in   
"G-godrics H-hollow" he said "They are at Godric's Hollow"   
"Marvelous" Voldemort said irradiating evil. He stood up. "Please don't hurt them" Peter pleaded "Don't hurt James and Lily"  
"Oh, Wormtail! Maybe you can be useful to me in the future" he touched Peter's cheek "You're so easy to manipulate" he smiled evily.  
"Please!" Peter shouted. He didn't know what else to say.   
But Voldemort laughted and with a flick of his wand, Peter was knocked out again. 

Peter woke up slowly. He could see trees above him and the cloudy night sky. Maybe that was all a dream? His body was so numb so as his mind. He moved his neck slightly and he could see Marlene laying next to him, looking at him. Was he dead? Was he in heaven? Hell?  
"Marly?" he asked  
Marlene took a lot of time before she spoke "You made a terrible mistake Peter" she didn't sound angry. But like mother telling her child what they did was wrong. Tears started rolling on Peter's cheeks.  
"I'm sorry"   
Then Marlene changed her expression. She looked like a devil. "FIX IT"  
And Peter stood up in a beat. Sweating. He had no idea where he was but he started running. He needed to get to the Potters, warn them, save them, do something. Peter ran like a maniac until his mind remembered where to go and how to apparate and when he reached the end of the street he apparated to Godric's Hollow.

THE END


End file.
